Consensual Living December 2007 Newsletter
We hope you are all staying warm this winter and navigating your way around some of those holiday struggles consensually with love and joy.
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Rethinking The Holidays
By Tracy Liebman
The Holiday season conjures up wonderful ideas and memories of delicious food, time with friends and family, gift giving and receiving…a season of JOY! Yet for some, it is not that simple. Often people who are living outside the box of society feel somewhat challenged by this time of year. It can be challenging visiting our families or friends with a more traditional view of the way things should go, from parenting to food we may be making different choices in our families. So what do we do, well the goal would be to just fill yourself with love, go and enjoy yourself, but that is often easier said than done. Let’s spend some time looking at possible solutions for the different challenges that may present themselves during this wonderful season.
Over the hill and through the woods to Grandmothers house we go…The challenge begins with the Holiday meal being served right in the middle of the day when our child naps, child is grumpy, and there are expectations for him/her to sit at family table with the entire family or a gift is giving that our child already has or does not like and our child is used to being honest…but the rest of the family…not so much! OMG…what if the child doesn’t even want to go to Grandmas house, then what? Well, first I would change my focus to be in the most loving and positive place I can be. I would look for solutions that could work for everyone. For example; the time of day problem could possibly be solved by seeing if the adults were willing to change the time or you could work with your child suggesting laying down with them for a rest before you go. If creative solutions are not coming together yet everyone wants to go, go prepared! Maybe take two cars so if some people need to leave early, just be sure that everything is talked about before you go and set your intention to be positive. Everything will work out; there really is no need to get all stressed out. The example of an honest child telling a relative they don’t like a gift can be tricky but again it has a lot to do with our attitude, how people will react to something like that. If we are OK, they will be OK too. It is also important to talk about “social graces” before you go, explaining without shaming, what people expect in these situations. Social graces are a complicated thing for a young child to understand and often they are just bad conditioning, so be sure you understand your beliefs about this type of thing before you pass it along to your child. The child that doesn’t even want to go, now that’s a challenge for people like us trying to live consensually! There are many different factors that go into this one, child’s age, travel distance, and everyone involved…that’s a big can of worms. First, I would really listen to the child’s concerns or reasons for not wanting to go, then try to work around the problem areas being careful to honor the child, not try and convince them to see it your way. I would never force a child to do anything against his or her will, there are so many different scenarios here I can’t really go into them all, If you have a situation like this feel free to e-mail me at tracy@transformingfamily.com .
I focused on the Holidays because of the season we are in, yet you can see how these situations come up all the time in our daily lives, so remember to carry these words through out your year!
Peace~ Have peace within yourself, look for peaceful solutions, and move peacefully in celebration. Love~ Love yourself, love the people who surround you, and send love and light to the world. Free~ Be free to enjoy what you have created and continue to create freely. ~ Happy Holidays~ Tracy
Tracy Liebmann is an unschooling mom and a Family Life Coach who offers phone and cyber coaching. To Learn more about Tracy and what she has to offer go to her website today and sign up for a FREE sample session!
www.transformingfamily.com
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Some thoughts on Sleep from Pat, especially important to keep in mind around the holidays.
Sleep Deprivation
I certainly commiserate with the sleep deprivation! The thing I learned was that no one answer had to fit "always". I learned to nap, sleep in, skip cooking a meal and do take out, etc. so that I could get sleep. It keeps changing. My Bradley teacher said about children "As soon as you figure it out, it changes." And it does. So, that is both frustrating and a comfort. Because this sleep challenge will be a phase.
Avoid chocolate and caffeine late in the day.
I also found wheat and dairy significantly affected ds's ability to wind down. Frequent night wakening is highly associated with wheat and dairy intolerance. A weighted blanket is another option to meet the sensory touch needs while sleeping.
Go for a walk together as a family, it has a way of giving me energy.
I found that protein, protein, protein is critical to my sanity when sleep deprived. Eat Protein. I believe this was critical to me too. Still is. My patience is directly affected by my protein consumption. No protein=No patience. Cut slices of cheese, peel hard boiled eggs, have a container of nuts handy, drink plenty of fluids. Then these can be easily grabbed for a quick protein boost in the middle of the night. Dh made a cooler with these for me; and we kept it in the bathroom so that when I got up at night, I could just grab a few bites of protein. Protein helped me to sleep better also.
And plenty of fluids!! I'd feel drained, headache-y, and irritable when tending toward dehydrated. Adequate water and hydration totally affect my irritability. When I am dehydrated (especially from frequent nursing), I was more impatient. My most difficult lesson, one I am still practicing, is 'There is plenty of time. It will all work out.' as a mantra or affirmation. Saying this 20-100 times a day helps me start to believe it. When I have the self-talk of "I NEED SLEEP!! I NEED SLEEP!!" I dig myself a hole of emotional angst. I finally figured (and forget, lol) that *I can sleep later*, I don't have to sleep immediately! It seems obvious, but when tired, I just want sleep NOW DAMN IT. That energy doesn't help either of us get to sleep, unfortunately.
We call ds a little barometer, because he is so sensitive to my emotional energy. Having a lullaby that I sing over and over in my head, or out loud, helps me to self-soothe. Visualizing white light surrounding us helps to refocus my energy toward peaceful thoughts. Mentally and consciously relaxing my body from top down helps. We use an aromatherapy called "Peace and Calming" as part of our evening routine. It helps us to relax.
I've recently read "Sleepless in America", and found many ideas which help. Also, Elizabeth Pantley's "The No Cry Sleep Solution" was a huge help for me. I read it when ds was about 18 months also. I learned a ton about sleep cycles and about observing for patterns.
Oh, adequate magnesium helps me to be calm. We give ds "Natural Calm" magnesium supplement. Also essential fatty acids help our hormonal balance associated with our emotions and sleep.
Do you have a sling? I'd put ds in the sling, walk a bit, it helped not to have to support all of his weight, and the closeness and tightness helped him to settle. Even if I just sat in the rocker with him in the sling, even at 5 years old. The sling is magic in our house. Now we use a weighted blanket. Ds would wake every couple of hours, then several times a night. Now he sleeps through 8-10 hours with the weighted blanket!
Getting just a 15 minute "nap" when dh came home was a life saver for me. Too long of a nap and I'd feel dragging. But, the process of actually lying down in a dark room and relaxing my body uninterrupted (usually) for 15-20 minutes helped my nights feel more peaceful. OH! Do not look at the clock when you get up in the night!! It seriously caused me to *feel*more tired when I was calculating the number of hours of sleep that I was "missing". Make the clocks invisible to you at night. Just go with the needs, sleep without judging the wakening. Telling myself 'I'll sleep in a bit' helped me much more than figuring out "I only slept x hours and y hours and I NEED SLEEP!" My self-talk and focus really changed when I wasn't checking the clock.
Another option is have everyone in a safe room together and lay down in front of the door with them in the room. Perhaps, when dd takes her nap, you could have your son in the room also with some things to play with and lay down with the door barricaded, so that he stays in with you.
It will get better.
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This is not a holiday story but an “in real life” example of living consensually, and I know people like to see how it works “in real life”.
We visited Volcanoes National Park when we were on vacation. I know you are asking what that has to do with Consensual Living but believe me it does. I am always asked about finding agreeable solutions when two people want different things (or more people). It seems in theory that two people with different, opposing, wants will not find a solution where they will both be happy. I say that you have to remember that it is OK to change your mind when more information is available, and in a family where everyone's thoughts, feelings, ideas etc, are considered with care, and everyone is working toward an agreeable solution that they know is out there; family members are not hanging onto their wants so strongly. They are more willing to listen to other's wants and needs and consider them as well, and are more easily able to change their own desires in those situations etc.
I know it is hard to think in hypothetical and get my meaning across so I thought I would use an actual event that happened on vacation that was so touching to me and really demonstrates how changing your mind (changing your preference) is not the same as "giving in" or "giving up". My boys amaze me each and every day and really reaffirm why I believe so much in Consensual Living.
We were walking around the lava flows all day and there is one place where you can see active lava. But you have to go there at night, it is about a mile hike, and you take a chance that it will be a clear night and you will see the glow of the lava. We all wanted to see the lava, I mean how cool is that and we may not have this opportunity again. So we waited until just before dark, you know, when it is just dark enough so you can't really see the trail clearly, but will give a good view if you can see the lava. We had a flashlight, long sleeved shirts, water, and we started out. It had just started drizzling rain out, not heavy at all. We walked and we walked. It did get dark but we were prepared for that. The trail is marked with reflectors so you can know you are heading in the right direction. I should say it isn't really an easily followed trail because it is across the lava so not a "worn" path like in the woods.
We were having fun, seeing people coming out. Although they all said you couldn't see anything because of the fog. We decided to keep going to see for ourselves. I mean come on, maybe our eye sight is just better (LOL). Well as we kept going Phil started to say things like "I am getting cold can we turn around" etc. No he didn't want a jacket or to be carried etc. I thought to myself, I know Phil is a worrier; he wants to know where anyone is going, when they plan to be back, take a cell phone, etc. That is his nature and we love this about him. So I don't think it has anything to do with the cold. [OK this is where finding out the real wants and needs comes in]. I know what he is saying but don't think that is what he is THINKING. So I just suggest that it is OK if it really isn't about the cold, it is OK if you just want to go back to the car, or something to that effect.
Well that provided just the opportunity he needed, "I'm scared, it's dark, I didn't think it would be this far, we don't know where the end is" and all these feelings just came up. And he wanted to go back to the car.....and he was getting more anxious by the minute.
I know Dallen was wanting to go try to see the lava, Dallen had been saying this all day. So I am thinking in my head that it might take some thinking to come up with a solution everyone will be happy with.
Well Dallen just blurts out, "let's go back to the car. It is more important to me that Phil NOT be freaked out by this than it is to get to the end".
I was surprised but not totally. Of course his need would be for Phil to be safe and FEEL safe, more than he would need to try to see the lava. He loves his brother, and also he knows that if he really wants to see the lava we will make it happen in a way that works for everyone. All the walk back to the car you could feel Phil's anxiety lifting, his spirits brighten. Dallen would say "that hike was great". "I loved the feel of the mist on my face." "What a great day". Just such loving statements with not even a thought of "if it weren't for you we would have made it to the end". Dallen knew he could make a real statement about his needs. He knew that we would not just make him leave and go back to the car if that isn't what he really wanted. So it was easier for him to change his desire with the new information.
When we got back to the car I suggested that if Dallen and Jackson, dh, wanted to hike back out there, Phil and I could wait in the car for them. Phil would be happy with that and we could watch a movie. "No". Dallen wanted to be with Phil, and they talked and talked and watched movies in such a loving way all the drive back to the resort. Just laughing and joking and talking about games they wanted to create etc.
When we got back to the resort we talked a little about maybe taking a helicopter ride to see the lava flow. A possibility, but neither of the boys seemed overly thrilled with that, LOL. Now I just need to let it go. Now it is me wanting to see that Dallen's need to see the lava is met. When in FACT, he no longer has that need. His need changed the minute he saw that Phillip was in some distress.